This is resume
written by Marco Kaye and has been published on McSweeney’s daily humor website. In Marco’s résumé, he
shares about his past experiences at a
“mismanaged company”, a company that ran “on chaos in the morning, fear in the
afternoon and Ritalin at night”, and a company where he learned “how not to
design”.
Read and have fun......
THE WORLD’S FIRST AND ONLY
COMPLETELY HONEST RÉSUMÉ OF A GRAPHIC DESIGNER.
BY MARCOKAYE
- - - -
Objective
My objective is the Truth with a capital T,
mentally composed in Bodoni or, on the weekends, Garamond. I believe dishonest
design is the scourge of humanity. What do I mean by that? Simply step outside.
Fraudulence is everywhere. From the rat-tail curve encircling the “H” of the
Hilton logo to the poorly kerned signage at your local bus depot, we live in a
visually polluted environment. Graphic designers must keep our hoodies zipped
tight along with our values. My aim is total unsparing honesty as it pertains
to my craft. I will pull no punches and expect the same from you, should we
have the benefit of working together in the future.
Experience
Red Octopus (2007-Present)
Here at this mismanaged company, I am the
Creative Director for clients including McClure Financial, Take 2 Television,
and Señor Pepe’s Frozen Foods, a Foodjoy Brand. For five hair-thinning years I
have attempted to infuse iconic graphic artistry in everything from printed
brochures to online banner ads. I lead a crew of energetic but woefully trendy
young designers who have never learned to set type by hand and never will. My
account team is combative and seems to delight in miscommunicating with clients.
While I’m being up front with you, we recently
pitched Foodjoy’s Squirtburst Fruit Drinks. The entire packing industry did.
You probably did. And you know what? Two months of work turned out to be a
creative cattle call initiated by Squirtburst’s CMO to get respect
from his peers in solids. Apparently, the liquids side of the office park gets
no love from upper management. He simply filched my ideas and brought
everything in-house. To which I said to Sylvia, our lead account skirt, “How
dare you make your bed with the flesh off my back!” and broke one of the
presentation boards over her head. You must remember, those things are made of
Styrofoam. I put my eight hours in the HR-mandated class and thought mostly
about how I’m not an angry person, just overly passionate. I also considered
what I said to Sylvia: two expressions that don’t really make sense together.
Blame the heat of the moment. I’ve learned my lesson.
I’d be hard pressed to say a keen sense of Truth
drives, has driven, will be driving, or even rides shotgun with anyone at Red
Octopus. Management holds many secret meetings without me. The leftover Cosi
sandwiches and cookies are a disgusting giveaway. If only I could be in every
meeting, I may have been able to make a difference, may have Zambonied the
eyeball-defiling layouts and dipshits aside. But I am only one graphic
designer, uncompromising but all too human.
In my portfolio, you will see that unproduced
package redesign for Squirtburst, inspired by kinetic typography popular in the
West Coast concert posters of the 1960’s. In this designer’s opinion, it
creates a visual appeal unprecedented in the beverage aisle. The client called
it “uninspired” and said it would make kids “vomit if they stared at it for too
long.” Next time you’re at the grocery store, please, pick up any Squirtburst
drink and compare our taste levels.
Lucid Concepts (2004-2007)
I loved everything about this company, and
regret I worked only three short years there. It was run on chaos in the
morning, fear in the afternoon, and Ritalin at night, all qualities for
producing great design. Lucid is where I produced my most misunderstood piece,
the one-hundred-and-twenty-two page deck explaining why Citadel Airlines should
change their logo’s main colorway from one shade of red to another.
Ridiculed in trade publications when it leaked
on SlideShare, I’ll note here that Citadel not only increased their new
passenger base by an impressive margin, but also plane crashes and malfunctions
actually decreased from seven per annum to two. Since I am sure you have total
Pantone recall like myself, close your eyes and picture this: Pantone 167. Open
your eyes and cleanse them by looking at a drab wall. Close again. Now picture
Pantone 145. And open. Much less “fiery,” correct? I was behind that. If you
can comprehend the world of different feelings evoked by these two
superficially similar shades, as Citadel did, then we need to do business.
Bergmann and Partners (1999-2004)
A Swede afflicted with a lisp and gigantism ran
this insignificant shop right into the ground. I had thirty-plus
responsibilities, a good many of them involving the slaughter of massive
amounts of trees. I designed direct mail pieces for the now-defunct CompuNet.
If you remember getting these in your mailbox, that was not my fault, and if
you can picture the lurid type and laser light effects, you will understand why
it isn’t in my portfolio. This is where I learned how not to design.
Education
Kornbluth Institute for the Arts (1994-1998)
Ah, the foundation. What an entrée into my
chosen calling! Mac computers had been introduced, but ambitious students such
as myself were still photosetting page layouts with Zip-a-Tone, Letrapress, and
other toxic chemicals. I took it one step further and gave myself harder and
harder words to kern. My professor and I discovered the toughest combination of
letterforms:PUSSY WILLOW. It pains me to see it printed on this page, as
I’m sure it does you. One truly needs the benefit of working with lead spacers.
I used InDesign for this résumé, and as it stands I could drive a truck through
the space between the S and the Y, so please look to my student appendix for
that perfected catkin and a few of my other typographic marvels.
University of Maryland (1990-1994)
I majored in Business and minored in Psychology,
but my memories during this time are hazy. One night, I tried to kill myself by
overdosing on Tylenol, and I would have succeeded had it not been for the
dining hall’s Corned Beef Hash. I got sick before my liver could fail. I thank this
event for my massive levels of stamina. You will never see me by the coffee
machine. I prefer to hand-grind my beans as the sun rises, draped in one of my
many plush bathrobes acquired in hotels on press checks, with alternating wrist
flicks suggesting hope and despair.
Skills
All the computer programs known to man, except
for Microsoft Word. That is where graphic design goes to lay down and die.
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